Self-Searching ( Encore )

I wrote this entry after our Freshmen Night Night... The graduation was near... What I did was search myself and it help me a lot during those unknown and doubtful times...

Sunday, August 05, 2007 1:50:51 AM

I need to write this. I need to put this into words and letters.

Just arrived from one of my school’s activity. I spent most of the time alone and thinking. The program was great; I had a few laughs and chuckles. But in the later part, got bored and spent the time alone watching the flowing current of the fountain. I never had one of those “self-searching” moments for a long time and with the solitude, it was granted upon me.

At first, it was just the same things that always bothered me a lot. Things such as; what I am doing now in my life, what future do I have, how can I improve my life. Those kinds of stuff that always clogged up my mind and makes me realize reality in the purest sense.

But as the “meditation” went deeper, then came the fear. I don’t know how or why, but it came rushing through me like a tsunami slamming itself in the beach.

I never had one of those deep self-thinking that made me sweat profusely. Why then I became afraid of all of a sudden? As I thought of my life now, the frequent misfits I have, the wasting of my time doing nonsense and unnecessary stuffs, the sudden turn of events that caused a deep cut in my once-a-complete plan, I couldn’t help thinking of the reasons and its probable consequences.

I have a big problem inside of me. I feel like I’m a cracked china vase that could break into small pieces in an instant that someone would knock it off its place. I feel so brittle, so weak and so defenseless. One moment of hesitation in my decisions now could suddenly make my whole world a living hell. Why do I feel this unpleasant feeling?

I got some reasons here, but I’m still not sure of its validity. The first reason that keeps knocking in my large skull is the uncertainty of my future.

Damn, I have prepared myself for a long time for that very moment in the shifting of my life and career. I had done my fair share of the burden. As I start my college year, I had already kept in mind to work hard and equipped myself with all the things and knowledge that I could accumulate in school and in self-study. Four long years of college education that was supposedly finish with three, which is a very long waste of time and money for my parents could have lessen by a few months.

What do I fear then? I guess I fear that very moment. I fear that I had no enough knowledge and skills to cope up with the real life. I fear that someday I will regret the days in which I have not done my best. That I was stupidly lazy, that I chose of being idle than putting up some few sweats in some relatively promising activities.

August 5. That is the date now. I was bothered this much about myself. I never felt that I was this weak physically, mentally and emotionally. I wrote some blogs before of things of what I want myself to be and of things that I will do on my life to improve my current sate.



2:25:01 AM

One of my worst fear is also the things that other people would say to me when I fail or I could not meet their expectations. I had been telling myself over and over again! “Don’t mind what the people would say. You are far better than them in more ways you can imagine.” But the guilt and fear of suddenly making the wrong decisions that could affect the image that I had been building up all this time continues to haunt me.

It seems that I had not prepared enough to ensure myself of the stability of my future. That the fair share I was saying before was in fact a one sided affair of a disillusioned braggart who dreams big but falls real hard.

I am afraid. I know that, afraid of things that would break the threads that hold the different parts of my life. The threads are thin and breakable.

I never felt so down in my life. I know I’m not ready. I will never be. The vast pressure that awaits me in the near future is so surreal that it already gave me goose-bumps. I feel weak.

I don’t know what to do. It seems that my life will nearly end another chapter in my life. Two months, the remaining time left for me. I believe those months will be a great factor in my life. This could be one of the biggest turning points of my life. Spare me the jitters.